Volume 5, Number 24, March 20, 2000
Thanks for reminding me by e-mail that you want to baby-sit our children. In spite of the fact that you are only 12 years old, my wife and I would be willing to consider your application if you can meet a few modest requirements:
1. Submit three letters from teachers who will certify that you have never failed to follow directions perfectly in class and never failed to hand in a homework assignment on time.
2. Submit a note from two doctors who will certify that you are in perfect health, have never been sick, and never will be sick.
3. Submit a document from your physical education teacher or team coach that proves that you can do each of the following: Run two miles in less than nine minutes, climb a greased rope to a height of twenty feet in thirty seconds while balancing a glass of water on your nose, and walk in bare feet over hot coals and broken glass without complaint or injury.
4. Submit notarized letters from at least two mental health professionals stating that you have never had a jealous, envious, or hostile thought towards any living being or inanimate object.
5. Play and defeat five expert chess players while blindfolded after going without sleep for 48 hours.
6. Wait patiently for two years while we have private investigators confirm that all your documents are authentic.
Your loving and trusting friends,
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